The tongue has untied itself. The chaos has ended. sigh. I'm alright now. That boy is human.

tied

when was the last time u felt tongue tied?

when your crush would appear suddenly from somewhere and ask you a question? post an argument on a topic very close to your heart?

i never thought i'd face this situation after class 6 when i'd just stand stupefied in front of the boy i had a crush on.

it's madenning. like a new height of helplessness and happens every single time this person's around me. i feel like an awestruck 3 year old. And he's no different from you or me. That's what really gets me. Moreso, he's so scathingly real, and genuine that i fear he'd see some fascard or something in me if i speak much. It's hateable to be in a situation like that, trust me. I felt so ashamed of figuring this that i just wanted to collapse on the ground or merge with the wall or something.

why i ask? if kanika of 6 years back was to see me right now, she'd laugh condescendingly.

is there nothing to be done? i don't even like him for godsake.

sugar coats

it feels good to have cleared the air. it feels good to have taken the first step and understood that another was perhaps waiting for me to take it. She understood beautifully and the crack has mended itself .It was amazing how this one reacted with a beautiful smile. Gauri, there's more to you than i assumed. And you have me thinking, sweetness, over my pre dispositions.

THE WORD

After a discussion in Puja'a car yesterday, i am left with a feeling that good writing skills are grossly overrated. And ofcourse i am party to this 'overating', that i must not deny. It is easy to admire someone to whom you can attribute a handful of amazingly written things, which somehow, i believe leads one to draw other inferences about that particular person. Now darling Anamika believes Sreemoyi to be a good writer because, and here i'm left reactionless, she speaks well ?!!. it is a fact well known that Sreemoyi is an amazing writer, but, behold, can the same be gauged from the way she speaks?

And yes, there is one more person, i cannot but mention in this regard. Pritish. Darling, you must be aware that your conversations are half jibberish as you wrestle with words and use the most unlikely combinations, to, i fear , flaunt (to yourself) your verbal prowess and forget to convey meaning in the process. convolution adorns a new meaning altogether.

I recently chanced upon a copy of competition success, and came to the essays section. To my horror, more than content, these essays were crammed with nauseating flowery language and archaic words. Most of the stuff that IAS and MBA aspirants have ever managed to think about is, if one was to infer from these essays submitted by them, on stereotypical lines. The rest half of nausea is caused by their choice of words; "the typical mentality of us Indians indicates backwardness ..." shot one sample. I don't want to deviate from my original project but what is happening to language, i fail to understand? Why is it given more mileage than meaning by so many.. yes there is certain delight in indulging in witticisms and puns but please reserve your doctorate in the art of cramming words when only a couple would suffice , to yourself . Please. Thanks.

I'm jobless, as can be easily inferred.

gfuodyco

To myself i promise that after hee hawing a little more in the cyber world, ill gallop back to my assignment.

That done, i will like to fling at you a few anxious questions. Firstly, where are all my blogger freinds? Puja, i beseech you to start blogging right away! or at least leave comments on my post, for you see, your comments, as i've noticed in the past, fuel some warm discussions , which having heard of in coll,others like to view first hand. Manjari, the same goes for you. Prakriti, i swear ill comment on your post, just put one up!

Sahil, i wont ask you to comment. But ive observed that your posts have acquired a slightly non comprehensible quality. They seem expunged in gloom. Pray, are you alright?

*stretch*. i believe ill go back now.

BUTTERCUP :)

'm felling good and not for no visible reasons. For instance i m back to having my fair share of chicken and lasagnia... college is back to being fun and sunny and good times are back i.e we are back to spending ample time loitering at the backgate blatantly combatting the farcical no smoking campaign and junking on cholla kulchas....have collected dvds to be devoured over the weekend....... reading dostoevsky, camus , naylor,kafka,brunch magazines and junky chapbooks all at once....... cleared the written test for TISS......... and excitement also fills me at the prospect of filming a short documentary on something, that something still being undefined as a result of brainstorming on various possible subjects. Surprisingly, ive also discovered some amazing songs that had been stacked in my ipod without me somehow being aware of their presence. They are more than welcome ofcourse. Then, there's a surprise awaiting Ramjas college on the 25th. To be in the loop, come watch MH's alice in wonderland at ramjas on monday.

BLUES

It's been painfully long since i wrote. We could suppose this was because of a general aphasia towards events. Right after something -totally unexpected- happened. I couldn't get through SIMC. and hell no, m not over it yet. Lets admit it. It is supposed to be one of the easiest places to get through.I'm trying hard not to feel like a duffer. I'm done with putting the onus on my clothes during interview n stuff ( need one adhere to nonsensical dressing norms for a mass com interview?) or my unfleeting casual attitude ( and why not, is it a crime to be casual for crissake?). Anyhow, I'll admit i am more indignant than sorry. Lets face it. It(SIMC) ain't that good baby(which is why it is believed to be easy to crack ). And perhaps i am cut out for far greater things ( i need to believe in some truth value pertaining to the aforementioned statement). oh well, chuck. My blogspace is sacrosanct and I'm not going to let it be overhauled by sadness. Life seems at the moment to be a pair of pink pyjamas though- cant take it too seriously. What needs to be taken seriously though are a few poets and writers who are thrust into my bag each morning, sidelined amidst early morning sudoku contests and drowned by led zep filling the body system ,ear downwards. Oh! and on a happy note, i got a bob marley and che poster and another beatles poster is on the way! Hurray! And Shaurya i know you shan't read this but i was happy today. Thanx! Anyway, i'll go now. Like i said this space is sacrosanct and sadness must not be a part of it. And he is away.

unchained melody

SO THIS IS WHAT YOU MEAN
AND THIS IS HOW YOU FEEL ..

After a goddamshamedly tiring day, all that's required are a few favourite songs, chilled coffee and a chair. good songs like Gin soaked boy , good songs like deep , like 'love song ' by 311..... shut your eyes and man, you feel yourself getting rapidly enveloped by soft,soft lightness..This.man.is.all.that.life.is

A crescendo of all soulful voices,of all soft echoes, of all soothing melodies playing in your mind , brought together and accentuated within this final moment.Moments before i crash on my bed.as guitar strings hum in the air and soft,deep beats charge it. girl,oh girl.smile please.complete this moment.

to relate, check;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mZqEqypU4cs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZFOApv4zWY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXP1oLtPyDA

WHATEVER YOU MAY CALL IT

Wow! Its been ages since i blogged. Rather, its been ages since i wrote.Today, i have a simple reason. A simple thing. I note, I am , For the larger part of my days these days, lost. In terms of my eloquence, clarity of mind, subject matter to ponder over. Not too good a feeling. And yet i feel so elemental, so raw. Free , because i don't feel my superego restricting or confining, anything. Whatever's in there, comes wholly out. Unfree, because , lingering, somewhere in the relegates of my mind, is resistance to trusting everything around me, so wholly,so completely, nevermind it being the kind of resistance which is supressed, and is felt, merely through its absence. Am i doing right? i feel this question, floating in there, somewhere, going unaddressed, unanswered. I fear.

contemplative pit 2

its like a blackhole. No way out. You struggle for a bit of light. And after a while you stop struggling. jeez!

my contemplative pit

A song
A violet bangle
ink
A call
A voice
love.. accidentally?
crimson
long brown fringes
wild blackberries

Thoughts and images cram my head. A head furnished wid mundanities of life, trying to make some of them stand out. Leaving an impact.An impression. What would blackberries mean to me if id never seen them before, knew nothing about them?Would i still feel inclined towards tasting them? will i be afraid? would i want to get into something that holds unknown possibilities , would i put everything at stake for it...should i ? i can lose everythin..or i can gain . EVERYTHING. And whats the point acting safe, taking too many precautions in life anyway? Even if i lose, i shant malign myself as a coward. My self respect shall be retained.untainted. I wont lose my resilience. So in retrospect everything will not be lost. But to gain , there's everything.

Another World. Soon.

First things first. check out my Poky. Na na, ull havta scroll down. yea. Isnt she cute???

You see, my Poky is my inspiration as i write this . Umm.. the Greek muses wont be too happy eh? Why is Poky my inspiration now? See she just is, ok? just coz she's a pig doesn't mean she cannot be! uff, some presumptuous wits! some wits!hmmmm...btw, right now am listening to Maula mere. Me thinks m tiring of this song, but its melody just keeps me ..err..hooked. Manj says the song is being 'Inflicted' on her ( yea Puja, i can see you screwing yer nose too..). But m sure some people like this song eh? Some there must be. Oh my soul says there must be!! And then there is Overkill by Colin Hays and Voice by Pentagram. hooked . uhh.. wait.. hear 'Voice' if you haven't already. really.

So. Exam happened today. Everything between 9am and noon is a blurr. Guilty? well hell No! Not at all. Its funny how life seems different after you've got an iron load off your chest. Iron load, read Milton , Webster and other similar Homo Sapiens who were brilliant no doubt.. but their brilliance is quite lost on me..us .. wrong time pals. Your texts don't belong. I like Satan of course. But writing about him is a different thing altogether. Mkd said they had a creative writing paper in their days. Now what i don't understand is, why do they scrap all interesting things from the syllabus? Who says Milton is better than creating your own stuff. you know, like being your own Milton. Hehe, sounded quirky i know.

So, yea life. hmm. You know about it seeming different and all, its just overwhelming really. I mean i was smiling at SP. see?. For the uninitiated, SP is a virulent virago who also happens to teach. us. And then there was the bus conductor who was trying to be one chip of a smartass, pretending he had no change. But i just did not get annoyed. i just did not. Kanika, girl, you are becoming quite patient and all. good good.

So even though there's one shandy paper left still, Exams are almost over. Over is a beautiful word. Over is a new world in itself. Over is a beautiful person. Over, i shall meet you in four days. You just see. haa!

errrm..

The dress was taken off carelessly.

The head, less so.

what matters really

what really matters in life are things ,dominantly considered as inane,needless,trivial,insignificant and immaterial in the so called 'real world'.'the real world' is an often misused,abused and reused word in d vocabulary of unerring parents.

'parents' constitute an integral part of existence,especially for those who live with them. Time , since after the 7 days of creation, has borne testimony to the fact that things often considered useless by parents acquire an uncanny importance in the life of children.in the life of 'us'.

moving away from conjectures, a few examples shall fruitfully elucidate my implications.

1) ordering honey chicken on phone. recieving chilli chicken . turns out the specificity of the 'type' got lost in translation.lost in translation when word was passed to mom, from mom to dad and from dad to the fast food guy at d other end of the phone. your protests are supressed with a '' what the hell does it matter really..'' . pfffbttt!

2)listening to Keane and floyd during breakfast.its a prescriptive must for me. supplies me with 'extra nutrients'. soft headbanging and various other types of twists and nods are met with amused glares. mom speaks more when my headphones are jammed in my ears.she confessed it is done deliberately.

3) extremely bitter coffee. cannot consume coffee in any other way. when self service can be avoided, mom volunteers. coffee with extra dollops of sugar is handed over to me.till then its fine. the cup is lifted subtely and i tilt the contents absentmindedly into my mouth. shock. splutter. disgust. An absolute refusal to continue.Mom shoots back. ''its coffee all d same, have it or leave it,u r NOT gettin another cup..'' .compelled by a lethargic existence, and a morning that just began..i consume.

4) a new handset. my nokia 2600 has started supplying me with an ancient aura. it is used meekly and slyly with blackberries,N92s, motorazors thronging the world around me.i feel old.very old.parents fail to empathize. they dont see the point on my shamestruck face after misplacing a v3i. they dont c how ''accidents can just happen''. sigh.

GO ON ..READ

If you come to think about it, most people regard all girls institutions with disdain...specially girls who aint part of it already or are at the brink of joining 'em.. you know how the common argument runs..''girls are majorly bitchy and have these stupid wiles about them..blah blah...''

dipshit i say..n well u better take it from me cos i belong to an all girls' ..hehe

ill admit on my first day of college..i was a bunch of nerves man..biting nails and all that(on a symbolic level)..in my entire life ive held a record for never likin girls too much n well, never being liked by them either .. so well..err..u can imagine how it mustve felt to be flung into a mass of x chromosome.. BUT a few days into this place n i discovered i was havin an awesome time man...like fun at its funnest !!

lets c wat all helped:

1) man u can wear whatever you want.no compunctions, no awkward moments wid guys gaping with their mouths half open...and what relief to b clad in shorts during the scorchy humid summer days... not to forget hopping about n jumping and gettin soaked in rain , enjoying every bit of it...running around, slapping each other hard on the back,doing awkward stunts in middle of the college without caring two hoots.. !

2)lets face it, a lotta girls havta repress what they really wanna be when guys are around lest they be..err..labelled. BUT THIS JUST DOES NOT HAPPEN HERE!!!

3)girl girl bonding.also known as homosocial bonding.often mistaken with homosexual bonding. So well you discover the line between the two and can spend the rest of your lives on that line havin a ball...of course u can spill into either side if you want ... believe it or not(its almost like m sayin this to myself),i can now claim girls to be my best friends!! :) ( at d cost of soundin corny)

now for the specificities of some interesting individuals i met here-

1) man jhadi- also known as manjari.no specific reason why ive slotted you here. just that each day begins with her all encompassing laughter which i suspect echoes till hudson lines .. it originates, methinks ,from the bottom of the dark mysterious pit of her stomach and emanates forth with a vigour that is unsurpassed. here's to u manj !!!!!!;) LUBB YOU

2)kanupriya- her life is defined by osho's discourses n specifically the ones on sex. 'very liberating' she says.yeah well they are indeed quite,shall i say, 'enlightening'?hehe

3)naina- she is the versatilest thing ive ever come across. A part of her versatile knowledge includes knowing what the nescafe guy does behind closed doors and she loves scandalizing 'some' ppl by tellin em. Naina,temme,hows it that only u know what he does behind those doors??me thinks she cooks most of it...but then its high on entertainment value, so who cares?!

4) puja- she is 'the ladies man' , 'the sport' and 'The Rake'..she flirts well and she scares well . she scares with her karate antics. She breaks a rib or two and she laughs her triumphant laughter.if not doing this, she can be usually found loitering languidly anywhere in college,seizing harmless twits and bullying around. food is her fuel.food is all that matters anyway.

5)srimoyi- unquestionably THE quintessential intellectual.we bet she'll land up in oxford or harvard and give our lecturers somethin to think about!she almost always unfailingly makes yer intellect seem puny!! way to go Sree!!

n i can go on n on...but u get the idea right... its never ending fun to be here...to let yourself free and jus well freak out n freak d hell outta those beyond the college walls.. ;) ;)

now i think i should go n give my notes a chance to be read and act as the beacon of light for those who lay in ignorance till now.Fond reflections such as these are often a result of an existence warped by approaching exams.''Examinations fuck one.Examinations fuck all.no one dies a virgin... '' saying thus god kicked us into infernal hell ...

somewhere out there..

somewhere out there
among the shacks and relics of a broken existence
he stares outside the window
upon a world free..up he looks
swaying on sky high swings
he jumps and flies
his arms spread wide

he sits back on his arm chair and sighs
the guitar strings broken
a drumset torn and dusty
lying among the ruins of a long forgotten existence
amidst the waste furnished by his past

the memory of his first love flashed across his mind
in her skin tight jeans
and a loose sweater
sittin with him, swayin to dope infested reggae beats
The others languidly spread over the grass
flouting reality
reigning
reigning

they reigned
they, her ,him

they laughed
and they sang
beat their thoughts into their songs
engraved their lives into their songs

ram,vish, kay,our jay

now its him ,just him
they all went
disappeared
like ephemeral memories
leaving behind a bitter aftertaste
of their existence gone too soon

a hammock
a new guitar
his grey hair
his floral shirt

a new beginning
this time over
the stars listen

un-think

lurking behind the receptacles of memory..are the lesser memories forgotten compeletely...or memories that got undone..unmemoried..

do we forget things ..or can we forget things at all?

conversly..

is it possible to freeze beautiful moments as they are??
forever?n not let the strings of time distort them?

cos my history,
my present,
is a bundle of entangled memories
some that i want to strangle without mirth
some that i want to integrate into my everyday existence
some that have dissolved into nothingness..

and yet..

memories...do have a life of their own..but that life is..passive.. they may fade with time..n even if they dont ..

their significance does ..


i dont want these moments -
these specific ones -
to be framed in the relegates of my mind
as memories
that will hang
and float
but wont breathe into my face

i want these moments
to live
an eternal life
not frozen
but retained in their livingness
their vitality

your hand as real as ever on my cheek
the volatile touch
waitin for me to seek refuge in it whenever they snap at me

the world is now divided.

theres 'them'
and there's 'you'

muzik

How will it feel to just fly away...soar high...very high... and never come back..out of reach for the endless bounds of earthly existence...no obligations..responsibilities..dependence...

to feel yourself kissing the ephemeral clouds...wrapping themselves around your body like white curtains..

oh divine abandon! feeling yourself expand...like a turbulent volacano...blessed with the prowess to do anything...rising above god?or is that heresy? for once though..letme over reach...lemme be icarus whose wings could not be melted by the fiercest sun....lemme swallow the seven oceans and yet not be full...

gimme fire...yeah...turbulence...tornadoes....thunderous grey....scorching red...

lemme dance ...dance and unite myself with everything around...birds and dolphins alike...feeling the urgency of a storm in my veins..

just feeling and moving..

fuk d world

sometimes....no matter how much u try to make things work in your life......there'll always b some assholes who screw everythin up n behave like..well ..assholes.................. n d fkin thing is..they manage to effect ya..make u cry at times..... n u want to kick them hard...hurt them real bad! and they still behave like lumps of inanimate meat!

of apple pies and chocolate tarts..

sometimes ,when seized by a personal calamity,something you percieve to have altered your existence overnight, you shut all sunlight out...because its difficult to confront a new sense of reality.its like you've been addicted to apple pies for a while but they got over soon and you, despite of having the option of tasting an endless variety of different pies ,would want your apple pie ,''and nothing else..period!''.you wont stop sulking till your demand is met with,and THAT just does not happen...

finally , tired , very consciously you lift a chocolate tart lying right in front of you, and without thinking much, bite..and oh!..does it taste awesome or DOES IT TASTE AWESOME!!....

all it takes is wanting to take a risk... knowing that your apple pie aint even worth the time spent missing it....and in hindsight it appears lame , its loss- a blessing in disguise..a means infact by which not only does your life become better but u learn that you got addicted to it,not because of what it was,but what you made it out to be, that you projected on it pleasures that can be availed of thrice fold from elsewhere... and all the while you thought it aint possible!!

in the end,the apple pie remains exactly what it ever was and ever will be,an apple pie.....

imagine dousing your choco tart with thick chocolate syrup(m a chocoholic of the supremest order) and teething into the gooey mush...oooooohhh..(wont trade any goddam thing fer this feeling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)..having your mouth aesthtically smudged with chocolatey ecstasy and closing your eyes...

this guys, is LIFE!!

incase you thought this one's an ode to the french who introduced these delights to r lives....well..i m seriously contemplating on writing a post to serve that very purpose, but this one ,ladies and chentlemen , is about life,my life .. and discovering my choco tart :)